(Note: A reader of this blog recently shared this story as an example of the theme of this series. I have written it in first person to capture the personal voice of the story, changing details to protect the identities of persons involved. “John,” the person who experienced the events described has read this account several times and affirms the accuracy. This essay contains mature themes but has been redacted for the context of this blog. Since CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING, I suggest reading the other essays in this series first; proceed with this essay only if you are not likely to be offended by a candid discussion of relationships and coarse language.)
“Mike, you don’t know me. We’ve seen each other at professional conferences; we know each other’s names, but we don’t really know each other, and that’s exactly why I want to talk. I appreciate you returning my call, especially after I told you this would take quite a while.”
Mike was a high-ranking person in our field, but based in another state at a very conservative Christian university. I continued to set the context of our conversation.
“Your name came up in a recent unrelated conversation with [Rev. Minister]. He spoke of you as a person of tremendous integrity and honesty. I didn’t tell him, but I made up my mind to call you with my dilemma. Before I begin, I want you to know that this story involves my profound negative feelings about [Person X and Person Y]. I have no idea if you know them, but if at any point you feel uncomfortable with my story, just tell me, and I’ll stop and find someone else.“ (He said he knew of the persons but had no personal relationship.) “I’ve called you because I need an objective viewpoint. I’m going to tell you a story, and I want you to be painfully honest.”
I then told a long, convoluted story about a supervisor who said I wasn’t properly credentialed to do the job a previous supervisor had hired me to do. I told of several incidents that culminated with the loss of my job. At the end of the story I mentioned how I had recently told my [spouse] that I needed to protect us both by being honest about something. I had told her, “Alcohol and drugs have no allure for me. But I find myself wanting to have cheap, meaningless [physical relations] with a stranger. I don’t want to do that to anyone, and I don’t want to do that to you or us.” My wife had looked at me with utter compassion and said, “[Your desire to act out] really makes sense, Hon.” I then told my new confidante: “Last week I was at a conference where the topic was counseling folks with problems in their marriages. The speaker emphasized the importance of having a supportive spouse. After his presentation, I told the speaker that story as my illustration of a ‘supportive spouse.’ The speaker said, ‘Your wife was right; it makes perfect sense; you feel impotent and want to prove you’re not, but you don’t want your wife to be the subject of [physical relations] tainted by rage rather than loving passion.”
My confidante interrupted. “[John], excuse me.” (Did I mention I had been referred to him because of his devout faith and integrity?) “I know enough about you to know your credentials. I’ve been a member of the credentialing board. You are the victim of a turf war by someone trained in another field who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. May I be crass?”
“Sure.”
“To say that you feel ‘impotent’ is too clinical and sterile. My brother, you got f***ed.”
Immediately my tension flowed from me. I felt my body begin to heal. Mike had asked my permission to step across a typical boundary, showing respect for my boundaries. His subsequent word-choice showed that he grasped the deep pain and abuse I felt. I had been heard. And the hearing was healing.
Thank you, God, for people like Mike who do not speak the profanity of lies, malicious gossip, arrogance, and cowardly self-protection but who can describe sin as the !@#$ that it is. Thank you also that you can take that manure and turn it into fertilizer…if we will let you. Help us…help ME, Savior, to let you.
Copyright 2012 by Brad Bull. For permission to use, please contact the author at bradleywbull@gmail.com. Thanks to “John” for sharing the story, and to “Mike” for being a pastoral presence to John.
